I don’t like it, but there’s this edge. I believe all women and some men have been near its border; felt the cold chill of that deep chasm beyond.
It happens when we’re overwhelmed, and without resources to get the job done.
When we’re young or old.
When we’re isolated from support of friends or mothers.
When we finally beg for help in a desperate whisper as we slip over the edge, but no one hears.
When hormones sweep in like high tide, engulfing the sanity, sucking our breath from our lungs.
When we just want to call out “Do Over!” and have that be enough to make a fresh start way over there, away from the edge, where something named "normal" resides.
When a women drops over that edge, and takes a few victims with her, we SAY we can’t imagine what was going through her head. But in the dark night of our own souls, we can. That’s what scares us most.
To be so brave and such a coward all at once.
To stand up and shout, “Enough!” And yet, to choose the worst possible method of doing so. To finally jump off the beckoning edge.
I reveal this paradox of weakness and strength in women without prejudice.
Women are the foundation. They represent firm earth, boundless strength..and helplessness. Women can always carry one more burden. There is never a last straw, even if women made up that metaphor.
My son is in jail?
My daughter’s pregnant?
My child needs a psychiatric evaluation?
My husband lost his job?
My mother is dying?
Just load that next weight on my back. I can take it. My mother took it. It’s our job. We can’t afford to get sick, or give up . . . or get any closer to that slippery, uneven edge.
Some of us seem to handle these myriad burdens perfectly. Whip up a gourmet meal? Stitch a quick prom dress? What kind of woman am I if I can’t do these things while mopping floors? Mostly we just muddle through, like Erma Bombeck did.
We loved Erma because she made us look good. She made us laugh at ourselves, which is how we push away from the jagged edge. Even hysterical laughter pushes the insanity back into the closet when it crawls up into our laps at the end of a long day.
A few of us are out near the edge most of the time.
So, when one woman drops her load and steps off, we shake in our shoes because we know: There, but for the Grace of God, go I.
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We are all on edge. Human beings feel safe and secure in the center of things. When we come to the edge of being, our nerves and hormones ignite, making us afraid and unsettled. At the edge the comfort of familiar things ends and we are forced into the unknown. In these times of unwelcome change we seek to calm down by searching our minds for facts. But facts can't help. Something is moving us from within. It is not so much a matter or what we think, but what thinks us. When we make peace with our inner impulses, they move us in ways that allow life to continue in a good way.
ReplyDeleteThese experiences, while uncomfortable and frightening, are understood in spiritual tradition to have potential to be purifying and illuminating as well. Traversing the dark night of the soul brings one in contact with true being, Heidegger’s Dasein . Through it we can become clearer in mind, more authentic in speech, and focused on what is immediately present, rather than distracted by the nebulous fears and threats of the thinking mind.